JOE KELLY                     
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Column for 2.29.12
A woman who knows of my interest in collecting the best and the worst in country/western song titles has again sent me some. She does this every year or so. I am most appreciative.

A few of the titles on her most recent submission list are already in my collection, but most are new - at least to me.

Some are really good song titles and some are really bad. Iíll let you figure out which is which.

By the way, my favorite song title on the list is this one: You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life.

One thing to keep in mind about the following list is this: The song titles are actual songs. The woman who sent them to me swears they are.

One more thing. Because this is a family newspaper I had to delete some of the song titles she sent. But as the New York Times might say, here are all the song titles fit to print:

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

How Can I Miss You If You Wonít Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know Iíve Been A Liar All My Life?

I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Donít Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Keep Forgettiní I Forgot About You

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldnít Spell Yuck!

I Wouldnít Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause Iím Afraid Sheíd Win

Iíd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

Iím Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

Iím The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

Iíve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

Iíve Got The Hungries For Your Love And Iím Waiting In Your Welfare Line

If I Canít Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If Love Were Oil, Iíd Be A Quart Low

If You Donít Leave Me Alone, Iíll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

Mama Get The Hammer (Thereís A Fly On Papaís Head)

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Donít Love Jesus

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Oh, Iíve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

Pardon Me, Iíve Got Someone To Kill

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

Sheís Got Freckles On Her, But Sheís Pretty

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Canít Stop My Face From Breakiní Out

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So Iíll Think Youíre Walking In

You Canít Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat