JOE KELLY
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Column for 2.29.12
A woman who knows of my interest in collecting the best and the worst in country/western song titles has again sent me some. She does this every year or so. I am most appreciative.
A few of the titles on her most recent submission list are already in my collection, but most are new - at least to me.
Some are really good song titles and some are really bad. I’ll let you figure out which is which.
By the way, my favorite song title on the list is this one: You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life.
One thing to keep in mind about the following list is this: The song titles are actual songs. The woman who sent them to me swears they are.
One more thing. Because this is a family newspaper I had to delete some of the song titles she sent. But as the New York Times might say, here are all the song titles fit to print:
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
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