Perry Como, as I recently wrote, got
ďstacks and stacks of letters.Ē I get letters, but not the number I once
received. Now itís mostly ďlines and lines of e-mails.Ē
Excerpts from recent e-mails:
I know there have been changes and one of these days Iíll need a passport to
go to the Caribbean and Mexico. But Iím worried Iíll need a passport to go
to the U.S. Virgin Islands this winter. Will I?
I have been thinking about your e-mail all day. But for the life of me, I
canít figure out why youíd contact me about a passport issue. In any event,
please note that it is the United States Virgin Islands. So unless they
secede from the U.S. before spring, you shouldnít have to worry.
Can you tell me the date of the upcoming Heart Run? Just about everybody is
going to be at a party we are planning for family and friends in March and
since so many of them are runners, weíd like to have it on that date.
I must look like someone who belongs behind an information counter. Havenít
you ever heard of Google? By the way, the correct name is Americaís Greatest
Heart Run & Walk. Donít leave out the walkers. They raise more money than
the runners. It will be run and walked on Saturday, March 8th. P.S. Sorry if
I sound grouchy, but it did not escape my attention that ďjust about
everybodyĒ is going to be at your party. I guess my invitation got lost in
As a faithful viewer of your television show I must say that I find your
habit of jiggling your foot while talking with people to be distracting. I
find myself watching your foot instead of listening to what you have to say.
If Iím not mistaken, once or twice this summer you werenít even wearing
Iím quite aware that I jiggle my foot. Your letter is not the first Iíve
gotten about my bad habit. You are, however, the first person to send me a
tape showing my jiggling foot. A couple of points: 1. I have habits that are
much worse than foot jiggling. 2. Sometimes watching my jiggling foot is
more interesting than what I have to say. 3. I often go sans socks for long
periods of time during the summer. Now a question for you: do foot fetishes
run in your family?
This is the first ďfan letterĒ I have ever written, but I wanted you to know
that I read your newspaper and your column without fail. You and your staff
do an excellent job week in and week out. Iíd better end this before I get
accused of gushing too much. P.S. Iím not the only one in Lowville who
enjoys the Herald.
It is impossible for you to send me a fan letter that gushes too much. Just
so you know, you are now my best friend in Lowville.
Dear Mr. Kelly,
Iíve attached a sample column that I hope you will consider running in the
Boonville Herald. You can use this one without charge as a way to judge
reader reaction. The price for this weekly column is negotiable.
Your column is very good, which is why Iím not going to accept your offer.
My column would look bad next to yours. Iím just starting to develop a fan
base in Lowville and I donít want to do anything to inhibit that.
Joe Kelly is the editor and publisher of The Boonville Herald & Adirondack Tourist and