November 28, 2007

Perry Como, as I recently wrote, got “stacks and stacks of letters.” I get letters, but not the number I once received. Now it’s mostly “lines and lines of e-mails.”

Excerpts from recent e-mails:

Joe,
I know there have been changes and one of these days I’ll need a passport to go to the Caribbean and Mexico. But I’m worried I’ll need a passport to go to the U.S. Virgin Islands this winter. Will I?

Madam,
I have been thinking about your e-mail all day. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out why you’d contact me about a passport issue. In any event, please note that it is the United States Virgin Islands. So unless they secede from the U.S. before spring, you shouldn’t have to worry.


Joe,
Can you tell me the date of the upcoming Heart Run? Just about everybody is going to be at a party we are planning for family and friends in March and since so many of them are runners, we’d like to have it on that date.

Madam,
I must look like someone who belongs behind an information counter. Haven’t you ever heard of Google? By the way, the correct name is America’s Greatest Heart Run & Walk. Don’t leave out the walkers. They raise more money than the runners. It will be run and walked on Saturday, March 8th. P.S. Sorry if I sound grouchy, but it did not escape my attention that “just about everybody” is going to be at your party. I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.


Mr. Kelly,
As a faithful viewer of your television show I must say that I find your habit of jiggling your foot while talking with people to be distracting. I find myself watching your foot instead of listening to what you have to say. If I’m not mistaken, once or twice this summer you weren’t even wearing socks.

Sir,
I’m quite aware that I jiggle my foot. Your letter is not the first I’ve gotten about my bad habit. You are, however, the first person to send me a tape showing my jiggling foot. A couple of points: 1. I have habits that are much worse than foot jiggling. 2. Sometimes watching my jiggling foot is more interesting than what I have to say. 3. I often go sans socks for long periods of time during the summer. Now a question for you: do foot fetishes run in your family?


Mr. Kelly,
This is the first “fan letter” I have ever written, but I wanted you to know that I read your newspaper and your column without fail. You and your staff do an excellent job week in and week out. I’d better end this before I get accused of gushing too much. P.S. I’m not the only one in Lowville who enjoys the Herald.

Dear Sir,
It is impossible for you to send me a fan letter that gushes too much. Just so you know, you are now my best friend in Lowville.


Dear Mr. Kelly,
I’ve attached a sample column that I hope you will consider running in the Boonville Herald. You can use this one without charge as a way to judge reader reaction. The price for this weekly column is negotiable.

Dear Sir,
Your column is very good, which is why I’m not going to accept your offer. My column would look bad next to yours. I’m just starting to develop a fan base in Lowville and I don’t want to do anything to inhibit that.


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Joe Kelly is the editor and publisher of The Boonville Herald & Adirondack Tourist and THE GRIFF.