June 20, 2007

A lady I’ve known since I was a sophomore at Utica Free Academy sent me a list of newspaper headlines now making the rounds online. She thought they were cute and funny and might even make me laugh.

They made her laugh but they didn’t make me laugh.

She doesn’t have the mindset of someone in the newspaper business. People in this business live in fear of bad headlines. The worst headlines are those that make people laugh when they are not supposed to laugh.

The headlines she sent me actually appeared in newspapers, but, thank goodness, not in the Boonville Herald. Here are a few of the headlines she sent, followed by my thoughts:

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (I know nothing about
labor negotiations, but that makes perfect sense to me.)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (I saw someone on the Weather Channel say something similar this past winter.)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (I’d say something went VERY wrong.)

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (You aren’t safe anywhere these days.)

Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (I didn’t think podiatrists were that tall.)

Miners Refuse to Work After Death (I don’t blame them. When I go I don’t plan on working either.)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (Don’t they use girders and bolts anymore?)

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (They’ve got some sharp investigators there in Enfield.)

War Dims Hope For Peace (Isn’t that always the way.)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (We had a tough assistant principal at UFA, but that’s taking discipline too far, if you ask me.)

My friend didn’t send me enough headlines to make for an entire column, which needs to be about 500 words, so I’ll add a few more real headlines:

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole In One (I wonder what kind of drill she used to do that.)

Dr. Ruth To Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors (For her sake I hope it isn’t with some of the editors I know.)

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach (The judge better wear sun block.)

Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies (As any old salt will tell you, ships take on a personality of their own, but this is ridiculous.)

Dealer Will Hear Car Talk at Noon (Let’s hope somebody gets that on tape.)

Farmer Bill Dies in House (I hope Bill didn’t suffer.)

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation (I’m not surprised.)

Sadness is No. 1 Reason Men and Women Cry. (That doesn’t surprise me either.)

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Panel Told (REAL close, I’d say.)

Man is Fatally Slain (If he has to be slain, let’s hope it was fatal.)

Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday (I’ll bet.)

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy (Way to go Nicaragua.)

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing (Talk about being rewarded for bad
behavior.)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (Hey, don’t kill him before convicting him.)

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Joe Kelly is the editor and publisher of The Boonville Herald & Adirondack Tourist and THE GRIFF.